My road to transfomation began with one thought, "Maybe I should just drive into that reservoir and end it all?" It was a flash of of thought, but I did think it for a moment. I was young, healthy, married, and the mother of two young children. It should have a been a pretty good time in my life, but that thought really took me by surprise. I continued to observe where my thoughts were going. If I did drive my car into the reservoir, my husband would be upset, but then in a few years he could find a new wife, a happier wife. The kids, too, could get a more patient and more present mom, a mom that would actually play with them. It was a flash of a thought, a blip on a radar screen. I recognized that I had never had these thoughts before and something was very wrong. Instead of driving into the reservoir that day, I drove straight home.
That nightafter a long and tear-filled talk with my husband, I remembered that I had always been a happy-go-lucky person and I was no longer that person. What happened? What transformed me from an out-going, smiley person into a person so miserable that I had thought about driving into a reservoir? We realized that after the birth of our children I began to change. Years of late nights, lack of sleep, and loss of identity left me feeling angry, resentful, fatigued, and impatient. How could I get back to my old self? How could I begin to feel better?
I began attending a weekly yoga class on Thursday nights. What happened after that was pure magic. Little by little, I started feeling better. Yoga became my time, my time away, my time to talk with other adults, my time to sweat, my time to recharge. I loved it when my instructor would remind the class of different ways to look at life and all of life's challenges. Slowly, but surely, I started feeling better. More patient, less angry, stronger, more confident. I began to see my children’s faces. I even began to play! Just play! I started to change my whole outlook on life.
Yoga, meditation, and regular exercise helped me come back from this dark place. I now recognize that life is made of both difficulties and joy, that nothing is permanent, and that actually being present takes practice. Once we can truly experience "now", we can truly begin living.